How to become a geek in 10 easy steps.

One of the things that I wanted to do with this site was to educate people into what I think makes a "geek." "Geek" used to be a dirty word. It was a title that I did not want to have in high school. (Yet I got that title nonetheless) I suppose that it still is to some extent, but far less people are ashamed of using it to describe themselves, myself included. I wish to welcome geeks and non-geeks to this site.

I realize that there are alot of people who think that they are geeks because they use myspace and facebook all day. Sure your email box might be filled to the brim, and you may spend more time online than you do sleeping. You might have the fastest, fanciest computer on the market. You get so many IM's you need a second monitor. You might be sitting there with this smug grin on your face saying to yourself, "Oh yeah, he's talking about me." You might even have a nice, cushy job in the IT industry. However, that does not necessarily make you a "geek".

Sure many geeks do that kind of stuff. But there is a certain patina to a real geek. Geeks have a specific feeling, a sort of flair to them. It's not even tangible. But when you are a geek, you know it - through and through. And perhaps the most telling part? Other geeks know it. They can smell it all over they instantly know when they are talking to a geek. The worst pitfall though? They can instantly weed out "wannabe geeks". For some strange reason, some normal people try to pass themselves off as a geek. Perhaps they think it will help them in the IT industry (it won't), or perhaps they think that they can gain some respect among non-geeks. This method will backfire on you if you try it around a real geek. Not only will it backfire, but the geek that sniffs you out will surely tear your ego to ribbons. Trust me, geeks are good at belittling non-geeks.

Well, for those of you who are wannabes, there are ways to become a geek, but understand this: most geeks do/did not try to be geeks. They were born that way. So don't blame me if you do all these things and you still aren't considered a "geek". It's likely that if you don't get it, most likely you never will.

1. Unix/Linux COMMAND LINE USE

This one is probably one that will get you the most cred. If you can use the *nix command line, you are well on your way to becoming a geek. Heck, there are probably geeks out there that have only this requirement. Learn Bash. Learn other shells. You want to be able to administer an entire *nix box from SSH command line ONLY. I also think it is fair to say that if you can master VI then you pretty much instantly become a geek.
NOTE: Though necessary in the modern world, Gnome and KDE are not a show that you are a geek. In fact, if you can muddle through a Linux install and just get to an X gui and never learn the command line at all, then you are pretty much the textbook definition of POSER.

2. Fanboy-ism




This one is also pretty much a requirement. To be considered a REAL geek, you have to be completely obsessed with some form of entertainment. And I mean obsessed. You are the source of all information on the subject. In fact, you know more about this than the creators of the work. There is a little latitude with this, but some good examples are Star Trek, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Dr. Who. You could also be a fanboy of forms of entertainment like Anime or Horror movies.
NOTE: Being a sports geek does not count. I don't care who you are or how much you know, but knowing obscure details about the 4th game of the 1974 world series isn't going to impress any geek. Knowing what the "T" in James T. Kirk on the other hand might get you somewhere. (It's Tyberius)

3. The art of the Flamewar

If you are unable to start an internet flamewar, then you need to learn. It's actually pretty simple. You just find a nice, unsuspecting messageboard where people are having a civil conversation, and you pretty much make a post telling everyone how wrong they are. The art of it, and this is something that only geeks seem to have mastered, is keeping a flamewar going for a long, long time. Bonus points if you know that you are totally wrong, but you start a flamewar anyway. Remember, politics and religion are the best ammo for this.

4. RPG's


Since Dungeons and Dragons came out, it has been a refuge for the geek imagination. Other RPG's are good too, but I am specifically talking about pen and paper RPG's. Computer and console RPG's count to some degree, but there is nothing geekier than dice and books. ALL NIGHT LONG. Yes, participate in an all night RPG session, and chances are you will climb that geek ladder that much faster.
Live action RPG's or Larps, are another insta-geek thing. If you LARP, you probably are a geek.

5. Old school

Geeks are all about "old school". The concept is kind of hazy and ambiguous but trust me, if you want to be a geek, you have to be "old school". This is another one where you have a little latitude. you can be an old school gamer/programmer/hacker, and this includes things like Interactive Fiction, Sierra or Lucasarts adventure games, old Unix distros, programming in FORTRAN, using BBS's playing a MUD, using gopher, the list goes on and on. It doesn't really matter if most of these things happened before you were born, you just need to learn how to be old school. And you have to constantly complain that things aren't like they used to be. For example, "DSL? Pfft. I used to log on to bulletin boards all the time and get stuff on a 9600bps modem. " Now that's old school.

6. Pr0n

Not a single geek is EVER going to admit it but geeks are experts at finding porn. And they all have tons of it. Like I said every one of them will argue to the last breath, but just because it's well hidden, doesn't mean it isn't there.

7. Freedom

Geeks love their freedom. Okay, maybe not politically, but geeks love to have freedom in the digital world. Being involved in an open source project is like getting a geek tattoo. Many geeks will not use anything but free software. Whereas some of the above geek attributes are parodies, I actually agree with free software. But for this to be geek necessity, you must understand, you have to be a Nazi about it. Here is a little example of this attribute at work:

User: Hi, I was having a problem with IE. It seems to crash on a specific page and it takes down my whole computer. can you tell me how to fix it?
Geek1: Switch to Linux.
Geek2: Get rid of Windows.
User: Right but I have to use IE for this.
Geek1: If you don't use Linux you are stupid.
Geek2: Linux is superior in so many ways.
User:But that doesn't solve my current problem...
Geek1: Hey man if you wanna be part of the Borg, this is the kinda stuff M$ is gonna pull. Switch to Linux and help us fight the MAN!

See, the geeks didn't even try to help this user. They didn't even let him speak. Now THAT is freedom at work ladies and gentlemen. Everyone is free to make their own decision about their operating system. As long as it's Linux. Notice that they didn't try to fix the problem that the user was having. You can usually see this in action by a geek's constant use of cute little symbols and sayings: M$, Microshaft,Winblows, etc. Strangely, BSD users don't seem to suffer this kind of affliction, they just seem to be happy using what they like.
NOTE: There are also multiple kinds of free. Free as in beer, free as in speech, free as in not wearing any underwear... you name it.

8. Slashdot


If you really want to get good at the above skills, hang out on Slashdot. On it's own, its actually a really good news site. The comments section however? Oh yeah. That's were you separate the men from the geeks. It's the veritable Mecca for geeks. And every geek on that site knows everything about everything. Really, just ask them.

9. The constant critics


Ever see a movie that sucked? Sure, everyone has. But to a geek, EVERY movie sucks. Geeks are never satisfied with anything. EVER. Oh sure you get some geeks that actually like George Lucas now and again, but most geeks will say that everything sucks. Modern video games: they suck. Modern music: it sucks. Movies: they suck. The current Internet: it sucks. You don't even really have to hate these things, but never admit to liking anything that is popular. EVER.

And finally:

10. Vastly inflated self worth

As a geek, the most important and smartest genius in the universe is you. You can't be a geek without that I'm-so-much-better-than-you mentality. Oh sure lots of people on the planet are like this, but with geeks, almost every one, without fail will have this quality. They can solve all of the world's problems, they know what is good and not good and they all are capable of doing anything, they just don't feel like it.
Like nuclear war, geeks could stop it, but the world doesn't deserve to benefit from said geek intelligence. But it's not only intelligence. If you ask them, every geek on the planet could kick your ass, if it wasn't for their asthma or shin splints or glasses or whatnot.
And it doesn't stop there. Geeks have a long history of taking credit for things that they couldn't possibly have done. Oh you know that stock market crash in 2000? Oh yeah, that was them. hacking the CIA? Yeah they all did that too. The Chicago fire? Yup you guessed it. Geeks.


So there you go, follow these steps and you too will be a hardcore geek. But don't forget I will always be more hardcore than you. ALWAYS.